ingerland, ingerland, ingerland, ingerland, ingerland, ingerlaaand, ingerland, ingerland, ingerLAND, ingerLAAAAND, INGERLAND!

fellowship of nine { { {
one ring fanlisting
feminine mystique | | galadriel blue
elves, orcs, and hobbits, oh my
hobbity
speak no secrets > > a hobbits clique
just a hobbit
amon hen_ _ _ lotr character fanlisting
//the hobbiton//
ring finder...the bilbo baggins fanlisting
balan let it be

all hail heskey, eight is his number
and if he were to leave anfield
it would be a total bummer
little michael owen
his number is ten
it seems when he is on the field
you have 15 men
of course all the reds
are the greatest you can find
and when man u is playing them
just keep that in mind...

quiver
raining upon lothlorien
glaswegian hobbits
[truce of trust] the elf and the dwarf
\ [ the company of nine ] /
devoted-dreams.com/lotr

liverpool: the only football team worth mentioning!

didactylos: ...gods like to see an athiest around. gives them something to aim at............the turtle moves..........small gods.....terry pratchett

i'm working on my website today, finally.

if there are so many lotr clique things, then why not discworld? or red dwarf? ni.
oh, i love that scene in monty python and the holy grail with the knights of nih. 'we want...a shrubbery!!! and all that.
football...or soccer, depending where you are from...

welcome to the fa
ingerland
deutscher fussball-bund
guardian unlimited football
oliver kahn and bayern munich web site
sven sven sven bell & spurling lyrics
and the best of all, the mighty reds!

.i was looking around on the internet for some information on languages, so eventually there was something on tolkien's languages. i figured what the heck, took a look at it, then looked around for a dictionary. i found a few, one of the best being tel'mithrim-the grey company. so i searched some more...and here i was, thinking i'm a big lotr fan...
nobody tosses a dwarf!
the beauty within
lord of the rings site directory
hobbit sized for your convenience-a sean astin fan listing
lothlorien: the golden wood
www.brakers.dot.nu
monaghan
unbelievably angelic
aniron::the aragorn and arwen fanlisting
the big one! a dominic monaghan fansite
official pippin took fanlisting
the archer clique
the myth
m&agically*inclined
orlando.glisten.net
hobbitism
this, my friend, is a pint.
alliance \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
may it be: music clique
mission: middle earth
perfect cheekbones- an orlando bloom clique
i want to be [....]
fool of a took
the official dominc monaghan fanlisting
greenleaf_ _ _ a legolas greenleaf clique
freezeframe_ _ _ _ _ _ _01
the ultimate lotr web directory
moria
...cherish the thought...
absolute evil a sauron fanlisting
nazgul-+-a clique to the nazguls of lord of the rings
my precious: lord of the rings web elite
lothlorien - the dreamflower
elven kingdom - down the river
_the fellowship of the ring
gotbloom
---keep it secret---keep it safe---
blah.nothing-less.net/elven/
www.lotrfan.fr.st/
...crush...
iyfm [the sam fanlisting]
beadism
legolasgreenleaf dot de
timeless :: an elven clique
ereinion [gil-galad clique]
in the braids: a legolas fanlisting
. . . . . .
wow.

welcome to earth, a subsidiary of microsoft.

liverpool got a new keeper!
...this site wins the 'ok, i'm going to back away very slowly and when i get around that corner i'm gonna run like hell' award for today.
robbie fowler's going to a surgeon...

let's take a look @ the bbc...
west ham have signed republic of ireland world cup star gary breen.
celtic close to double signing
boro agree boateng fee

i am so tired...-_-.

liverpool 1-Wolfsburg 1

the spanish inquisition...monty python

Graham Chapman: Trouble at mill.
Carol Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Cleveland: Pardon?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying.
Chapman: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean?
Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain (Palin) enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles (Jones) has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang (Gilliam) is just Cardinal Fang)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals burst in)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that... (Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)
Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals enter)
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough. (To Cleveland) Now, how do you plead?
Cleveland: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)
Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?
Cleveland: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Biggles: I....
Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)
(Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde).
Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we shall make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE SOFT CUSHIONS! (JARRING CHORD)
(Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!
(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Zoom into Fang's horrified face)
Fang (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?
(Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Ximinez (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!

the pet shop...monty python

A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!He's f*ckin' snuffed it!..... THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: (pause) I got a slug.
(pause)
C: Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!

ni!

nobody expects the spanish inquisition!

you know how man u bought rio ferdinand? rio poised for debut.

'Roy Keane has said that he will play for the Republic of Ireland again - but only if Mick McCarthy is no longer in charge. ' keane plots ireland return. i doubt he'll be coming back to ireland then...

arsenal thrash neuberg- 7-2.

rivaldo is probably going to milan...rivaldo bound for milan

SAS unmasked

ok, so hoddle hasn't been thinking about buying robbie keane: hoddle rejects keane link.

republic of ireland fc
england fc
england international football club
englandsupporters.net
liverpoolfc.tv: home page
liverpool fc: pass and move
this is anfield
koptalk.com
scouser.com
home of the mighty reds

You're Doomed to be Elrond! Wise and noble elf lord, many complain you're too much like Agent Smith from the Matrix, all you need are a pair of sun glasses and a cell phone. Distinctly more whiny and grumbly in the film then in the book, you've become more concerned with what you'll pack for the trip to Valinor then the fate of Middle Earth. Which other character of FOTR are you doomed to be? brought to you by www.councilofelrond.com

i take it again and i get...

Take the The "What Teen Label Do You Fit Into Most?" Quiz!
by antiperfect


SRC="http://www.world-webspace.net/fan2x/red.jpg" ALT="I'm
the RED LIGHTSABER!" border=0>

ingerland, ingerland, ingerland, ingerland, ingerland, ingerlaaaaand, ingerland, ingerland, ingerland, ingerLAND, INGERLAND...


How obsessed are you?
By Lisa

oops...

i am...
DEATH - The Ultimate Reality. An anthropomorphic personification. Likes cats and curry. Would like to be liked.

I'm the book version of Frodo!

Intellectual, pioneering, subtle, and misunderstood, nothing beats a true original.

right.

As dictators go, you're kind of pathetic! Instead of military coup or systematic persecution to get power, you just happen to be the head of the only party in the UK that isn't totally worthless! While not very impressive it is none the less effective! You can do whatever the hell you like without any chance of getting voted out of office! People know that the only alternative would have them eating their children if they ever got back into power! However, you still think that you are as loved as you were when you were first elected into power… News flash for you: You're not! What tin-pot dictator are you? Take the "What Dictator am I?" test at PoisonedMinds.com

hahahahaha...not only am i lord vetinari, i'm also tony blair...i think i'm suffering from multiple personality disorder...




You are misunderstood. People never see the real you, only the outer persona which is often very different from your true self. You have problems with hostility, and have difficulty understanding yourself. You vent outward, because you fear looking inside yourself for the true root of the problem. You need to understand yourself in order to be understood by others.

Your song is: The Test that Stumped Them All

Which degree of inner turbulence are you?

This quiz was made by Dionae

arsenal have signed fabian carini! here: arsenal land carini.



find out which discworld guy you are.

i knew it. go vetinari.





Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna


which discworld girl you are.

i'ma werewolf?

Sarcastic FF X character selector

Find out which Discworld novelty you are.

go me. now where's alberto-er, albert?


Take the Which Spider-Man Character Are You? quiz by ZyberGoat

i'm vetinari...hahaha....

I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by
.

all these songs are from ~shaid.nazir
all say 'thanks'

He was born in bonny Scotland
And he played the football game
He came to Liverpool in '59
To help us win again.
Then with his mighty Red Army
He marched to victory
He was the legend of his time -
our hero, Bill Shankly
So all say 'Thanks'
To the shanks
He never walked alone
Lets sing our song, for all the world
Of this, his Liverpool home.
No matter where you come from
No matter who you are
Remember the year of '59
When The Reds, they found a star.
And how he shines so brightly
For the boys of Liverpool
Soon the world was about to find
This man was nobody's fool.
So all say 'Thanks'
To the shanks

He never walked alone

Lets sing our song, for all the world
Of this, his Liverpool home.
The man he asked no favours
Just hard work - let's get it right
You can only succeed through dedication
And his men they all saw the light.
He gave this town his loyalty
And proved it all by success
So always remember, when we had Bill Shankly

We all knew we had the best.

So all say 'Thanks'

To the shanks

He never walked alone

Lets sing our song, for all the world
Of this, his Liverpool home.
(to Amazing Grace)
Shankly, Shankly, Shankly, Shankly (to fade)

liverpool fc

L I V
E R P
Double O L
Liverpool FC

they say our days are numbered

The reds are coming up the hill, boys,
The reds are coming up the hill, boys,
They all laugh at us, they all laugh at us,
They all say our days are numbered,
Born to be a Scouse,
Victorious are we,
If you wanna win the cup, then you'd better hurry up,
Cos Liverpool FC ...
Glorious, victorious ... etc ...

untitled

We hate Nottingham Forest,
We hate Everton too (they're shit!)
We hate Man United,
But Liverpool we love you ...
(All together now ... etc)
(repeat forever)

come on ye faithful

O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant
O come ye, O come ye to Anfield
Come and behold them
They're the Kings of Europe
O come let us adore them
O come let us adore them
O come let us adore them - L I V E R P O O L!

we love liverpool we do

We Love you Liverpool we do. We Love you Liverpool we do.
We Love you Liverpool we do. Oh Liverpool we love you.
Shankly is our hero, he showed us how to play
The mighty reds of Europe are out to win today

He made a team of champions, with every man a king
And every game we love to win and this is what we sing.
We Love you Liverpool we do. We Love you Liverpool we do.
We Love you Liverpool we do. Oh Liverpool we love you.
Clemence is our goalie, the best there is around
And Keegan is the greatest that Shankly ever found
Heighway is our favourite, a wizard of the game
And heres the mighty Toshack to do it once again.
We Love you Liverpool we do. We Love you Liverpool we do.
We Love you Liverpool we do. Oh Liverpool we love you.
We've won the league, we've won the cup,
We're masters of the game.
And just to prove how good we are
We'll do it all again.
We've got another team to beat and so we've got to try
'Cos we're the best in all the land
And that's the reason why ..
We Love you Liverpool we do. We Love you Liverpool we do.
We Love you Liverpool we do. Oh Liverpool we love you.




 

so, blackburn took dwight yorke for 2 million: blackburn sign yorke.

heskey is staying at liverpool! yes! he is my all-time favourite player: heskey signs new deal. both he and vladimir smicer are staying. good.

still can't believe arsenal won the fa cup...no, wait, i can, but they should have been playing liverpool. oh well, there's alway next year.


gilberto silva is going to arsenal: silva set to join arsenal.

me: ...with good reason.
ruanek:

For whom does the human skull shed tears? It sheds tears for you.

Find out what YOUR inner non-sequitur is.

quiz by A.V. Phibes

just for good measure...liverpool rules, man u drools...

You are Dave Lister.
You smeg-for-brains, swamp rats have better personal hygeine for you. However, you're fun to party with, as you have a wont to take StarBug for a spin. Still, if Kryten weren't around to take care of you, you'd probably drown in your own filth.

You look like a crazed rabbit.

Who would you be?
Meep Personality Test

You're a dangerous person -- very ambitious, self-aware and self-reliant. You know what your strengths are and how best to use them to your advantage, and you know what your weaknesses are and how to downplay them. You can either be a great leader or a great tyrant, but you'll definitely be great. Chances are you're also very sarcastic. Get Sorted.

I'm Legolas!

The very essence of Strong and Silent, they wonder if I can really act at all. (I can't) Still, I have teeangers worldwide falling over themselves, and I sure know my bow from my arrow, so I gotta have something going for me!

Click here to find out which character you are.

I'm Elf!

I am an Elf, like Legolas or Arwen. I prance around in forests and am at one with nature. I also have malformed ears and people give me funny looks.

Click here to find out which species you are.

I'm Mordor!

I would live in Mordor where I would often sit on my own in the dark making Magical Rings with power enough to dominate all of Middle-Earth for a living. It may be something to do with regressed childhood memories.

Click here to find out where you would live

I'm Orlando Bloom!

I am Orlando Bloom. I run like a pixie and everybody loves me. Although I have no part. At all. I have kicked Elijah Wood in the balls and bust MY way into Hollywood and now I have my own cult following who often chase me with droll buckets. They scare me deeply.

Click here to find out which actor you are.

or i'm

I'm Billy Boyd!

I'm Billy Boyd! YAY! I'm all funky and Glaswegian and called Billy! YAAAY!

Click here to find out which actor you are.

rimmer: the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. the even further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch.

kryten: an excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) we don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial "robbie rocket pants".

holly: an IQ of 6? do me a lemon! that's a poor IQ for a glass of water!

holly: i am holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

kryten: i have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. that sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.

holly: we have three realistic alternatives: (1) sit here and get blown up, (2) stand here and get blown up, (3) jump up and down, shout at me for not being able to think of anything, then get blown up.

more from footballjokes.co.uk

'I've been playing football professionally for ten years now. Of course, my father was dead set against my taking up the game at all. In fact he offered me £5,000 not to train.'
'Really? What did you do with the money?'

sorry about the man u jokes if you're a man u fan, but if you go to the site that i got them from(the link is above), you'll find plenty of liverpool jokes there too.

Q. What do you get if you see a Manchester United fan buried up to his neck in sand?
A. More sand.

Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. (I) Three. One to change the light bulb, one to buy the "1999 light bulb changing" commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Torquay.
A. (II) Who cares, so long as it comes out in 4 different versions (£49.99 each), and changes twice every season?

Q. Which three league teams have swear words in their names?
A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Manchester United.


A man walks into a bric-a-brac shop and sees an ornamental brass rat, the sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks, "that'll be perfect for my mother-in-law's birthday," so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is. "£10 for the rat, £100 for the story," replies the man.

Skip the story, thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for the tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass prat over, and millions of rats follow, one after the other, plunging to certain death. The bloke then runs back to the shop...

"Aaaah", says the shop keeper, "I thought you'll be back for the story". "Sod the story, where's the brass Manchester United fan?"

Q. What's the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?
A. They're both useless in Europe.

Q.What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
A. The Man U bus has more pricks.
------------------------------

songs from footballjokes.co.uk

We all live in a red and white KOP
(To the tune of `Yellow Submarine)

We all live in a red and white Kop
A red and white Kop
A red and white Kop
We all live in a red and white Kop
A red and white Kop
A red and white Kop
(Repeat forever)


Rule Britannia

Rule Britannia
Britannia rules the waves
Britains never never never shall be slaves

If it wasn't for...

If it wasn't for the English you'd be Krauts
If it wasn't for the English you'd be Krauts
If it wasn't for the English
Wasn't for the English
If it wasn't for the English you'd be Krauts
(To be sung in France)

Two World Wars

Two World Wars and one World Cup
Doo dar, doo dar
Two World Wars and one World Cup
Doo dar, doo dar day
(To be sung whenever Germans are near)


more from the same site:

'If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.'

'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.'

'We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two.'

'You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals.'

'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday.'

'I never make predictions and I never will.'

'What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio.'

'Your team's rubbish! We beat you 9-2 last Saturday, even though we had a man short!'
'What do you mean "a man short"?'
'You had ten players and the referee, didn't you?'

A spectator at a match in the North of England kept up a constant barrage of insults and derogatory remarks directed against the referee.
Finally the ref could stand it no longer. He marched over to the stand and, looking the noisy spectator squarely in the eye, shouted,
'Look here - I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes . . .'
'I thought so,' the spectator shouted back. 'I knew you couldn't have been watching the game!'

Reasons to become a referee:

--You love football, but can't quite understand the rules.
--You have the strange desire to run aimlessly around in the wind, rain and snow.
--You love the sound of verbal abuse.
--You find it hard to make decisions and whenever you do you're always wrong.

 

jokes from 'for all your liverpool fc needs'

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a 50 note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other threeare mythical creatures.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan..... Twice.

liverpool quotes

what the great shankly has to say:

I want to build a team that's invincible, so that they have to send a team from bloody Mars to beat us!

To a young Liverpool player: The trouble with you, son, is that your brains are all in your head and not in your feet.

: I told this player.. listen son, you haven't broken your leg.. it's all in your MIND!

On the This Is Anfield sign: It's there to remind our lads who they're playing for and to remind the opposition who they're playing against!

In his pre-match build up: If you're in the penalty area and aren't quite sure what to do with the ball, stick it in the net and we'll discuss your options afterwards!

To Tommy Smith: Take that bandage off! And what do you mean YOUR knee? It's LIVERPOOL'S knee!

About Merseyside rivals Everton: If Everton were playing at the bottom of my garden, i'd shut the curtains.

To a young Liverpool player: If you are first, you are first. If you are second.. ...you are nothing.

To some reporters: All players are born. Anyone who tells you that they can make players are very stupid people.

On referees: The trouble with football referees is that they know the rules but they don't know the game!

To a reporter: I always said we had the best two teams on Merseyside... Liverpool and Liverpool Reserves.

silly me, almost forgot:
september 3rd, 2001: england 5, germany 1 in munich...birthday, christmas, new year's eve, all rolled into one...michael owen, hatrick hero...steven gerrard, the future of english football...

Poor Scouser Tommy

I'll tell you a story of a poor boy
Who was sent far away from his home
To fight for his king and his country
And also the old folks back home
So they put him in the Highland division
Sent him off to a far foreign land
Where the flies swarm around in their thousands
And there's nothing to see but the sand
Well the battle started next morning
Under the Arabian sun
I remember the poor Scouser Tommy
Who was shot by an old Nazi gun
As he lay on the battle field dying (dying dying)
With the blood rushing out of his head (of his head)
As he lay on the battle field dying (dying dying)
These were the last words he said...

Oh... I am a Liverpudlian
I come from the Spion Kop
I like to sing, I like to shout
I go there quite a lot (every week)
We are the team who plays in red
A team that we all know
A team that we call Liverpool
And to glory we will go
We've won the League
We've won the Cup
We've been to Europe too
We played the Toffes for a laugh
And we left them feeling blue

Five Nil !

One two
One two three
One two three four
Five nil !
Rush scored one
Rush scored two
Rush scored three
And Rush scored four!  

..............................................

Liver Bird Upon My Chest

Here's a song about a football team
The greatest team you've ever seen
A team that play total Football
They've won the league, Europe and all.
Chorus: A Liverbird upon my chest
We are the men, of Shankly's best
A team that plays the Liverpool way
And wins the championship in May
With Kenny Dalglish on the ball
He was the greatest of them all
And Ian Rush, four goals or two
Left Evertonians feeling blue
(Chorus)
Now if you go down Goodison Way
Hard luck stories you hear each day
Theres not a trophy to be seen
'Cos Liverpool have swept them clean
(Chorus)
Now on the glorious 10th of May
There's laughing reds on Wembley Way
We're full of smiles and joy and glee
It's Everton 1 and Liverpool 3
(Chorus)
Now on the 20th of May
We're laughing still on Wembley Way
Those Evertonians feeling blue
at Liverpool 3 and Everton 2
(Chorus)
And as we sang round Goodison Park
With crying blues all in a nark
They're probably crying still
at Liverpool 5 and Everton nil.
(Chorus)
We Remember them with pride
Those mighty reds of Shankly's side
And Kenny's boys of '88
There's never been a side so great.
........................................................

...in your face, sir alex. ;)

going to the bbc...

huh. man u want julien escude? Man Utd target Escude. oh, they haven't made an offer yet...hmmm...oh, right, they need someone to replace irwin...

brett emerton may go to liverpool...that is, if they ask...Emerton up for grabs.

...hou let the reds out...




What Kimiki Character are you?





Which Graduation Girl are you?




What Inuyasha Character are you?

we will, we will BEAT ARSENAL AT THE CHARITY SHIELD...we will, we will rock you...

Nuts-O Angel

Find out what anime villan you are.

oook...

i am feeling...

and ruanek is feeling...here, let me go find out...
ruanek is feeling...

what movie symbolism are you? find out.



My bumper sticker reads:

In English: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Take the quiz.



Passion. Desire. Courage. Lust.
Take the quiz.

cellspacing="2" cellpadding="0" bgcolor="#000000"
height="200" bordercolor="#FFCC00">

width="250" height="150"> color="#FFCC00">What Goth Are you?

ruanek is feeling...


i'm feeling...

well...not towards everyone...;)

you'll never walk alone...liverpool's anthem

When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark

Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Euro 2004 Group 7

2002

Sept 7: Turkey v Slovakia, Liechtenstein v Macedonia
Oct 12: Slovakia v England, Macedona v Turkey
Oct 16: Turkey v Liechtenstein, England v Macedona

2003

Mar 29: Liechtenstein v England, Macedonia v Slovakia
Apr 2: England v Turkey, Slovakia v Liechtenstein
June 7: Slovakia v Turkey, Macedonia v Liechtenstein
June 11: England v Slovakia, Turkey v Macedona
Sept 6: Liechtenstein v Turkey, Macedonia v England
Sept 10: England v Liechtenstein, Slovakia v Macedona
Oct 11: Turkey v England, Liechtenstein v Slovakia

ingerland, ingerland, ingerland...

my sister's friend just left. her mother and younger sister came to pick her up. maybe i should call ruanek...no, he's probably asleep.
let's see what's on the bbc's site. btw, i support liverpool fc. not man u. or everton. or arsenal. liverpool is going to beat the c*@* out of arsenal at the charity shield.

Fadiga wants Liverpool switch.

smart guy. he wants to be on the best team in england.

.

there is no way that man u is going to get duff. duff is going to liverpool. so there!

for euro 2004, the groups are:

group 1- france, slovenia, israel, cyprus and malta.

i wonder if france will do better than they did at the cup? probably.

group 2- romania, denmark, norway, bosnia-herzegovina and luxembourg.

group 3- czech republic, holland, austria, belarus and moldova.

group 4- sweden, poland, hungary, latvia and san marino.

group 5- scotland, *germany, iceland, lithuania and the faroe islands.

*at the world cup finals i actually ended up wanting germany to win. personally i'm all for england beating the c*@* out of germany again, 5-1 and all that, but this time the germans deserved it. and it wasn't kahn's fault. at all. only whining sods blame losing on their goalkeeper. i'd like to see scotland go on in this group, but if they don't, then kahn and co. had better go on.

group 6- northern ireland, spain, the ukraine, greece and armenia.

ireland!

group 7- england, turkey, slovakia, macedonia and liechtenstein.

ingerland all the way. sven, sven, sven goran-eriksson...he's a lovely geezer, but don't forget that he's from sweden...up front there's michael owen, and heskey that's his pal...seaman had better still be there.

group 8- belgium, croatia, bulgaria, estonia and andorra.

belgium should do very well.

group 9- wales, italy, yugoslavia, finland and azerbaijan.

italy, i should think, if there isn't another referee with a bag over his head.

group 10- republic of ireland, russia, switzerland, georgia and abania.

ireland! ireland! ireland! go duff! go keane!

this is what the bbc thinks...
group 1 - france
group 2 - denmark
group 3 - holland
group 4 - sweden
group 5 - scotland
group 6 - n ireland
group 7 - england
group 8 - belgium
group 9 - wales
group 10 - rep ireland

hmmm...

here's ruanek's mood right now:

he called me a few minutes ago to see if i wanted to go somewhere. but no, i'm babysitting. damn. he said that was ok, since he hasn't had any sleep in about a week.

i hate babysitting.

ansul's mood @ the moment:

...yet more links: Kicie.net and your middle earth name.

s.o.s...kula shaker


blood transfusion, revolution
satellites on mars
men became the spawn of satan
driving 'round in cars

i read the news but
the news didn't fascinate
I stayed at home, watched
The media ejaculate

this is the age of decay and hypocrisy
sometimes i feel like the world
isn't ready for me

every time i turn
a microscopic worm
is telling me he's it
dressed in robes of cosmic ego
crawling round in shit

I read the news but
the news didnt fascinate
i stayed at home, watched
the media ejaculate

this is the age of decay and hypocrisy
sometimes i feel like the world
isn't ready for me

this is the age of decay and hypocrisy
sometimes i feel like the world
isn't ready for me

anarchy in the u.k...the sex pistols


Right ! NOW ! ha ha ha ha ha

I am an antichrist
I am an anarchist
Don't know what I want but
I know how to get it
I wanna destroy the passer by cos I

I wanna BE anarchy !
No dogs body

Anarchy for the U.K it's coming sometime and maybe
I give a wrong time stop a trafic line
your future dream is a shopping scheme cos I

I wanna BE anarchy !
In the city

How Many ways to get what you want
I use the best I use the rest
I use the enemy I use anarchy cos I

I wanna BE anarchy !
THE ONLY WAY TO BE !

Is this the M.P.L.A
Or is this the U.D.A
Or is this the I.R.A
I thought it was the U.K
Or just
another country
another council tenancy

I wanna be an anarchist
Oh what a name
Get PISSED
DESTROY !



god save the queen...the sex pistols
God save the queen
her fascist regime
it made you a moron
a potential H bomb !

God save the queen
she ain't no human being
there is no future in England's dreaming

Don't be told what you want
don't be told what you need
there's no future
no future
no future for you

God save the queen we mean it man (god save window leen)
we love our queen god saves (god save... human beings)

God save the queen cos tourists are money
and our figurehead is not what she seems
Oh god save history god save your mad parade
Oh lord god have mercy all crimes are paid

When there's no future how can there be sin
we're the flowers in the dustbin
we're the poison in your human machine
we're the future your future

God save the queen we mean it man
there is no future in England's dreaming

No future for you
No future for me
No future no future for you

The Guns of Brixton...the clash
When they kick at your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun

When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting on death row

You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Oh, the guns of Brixton

The money feels good
And your life you like it well
But surely your time will come
As in heaven, as in hell

You see, he feels like Ivan
Born under the Brixton sun
His game is called survivin'
At the end of the harder they come

You know it means no mercy
They caught him with a gun
No need for the Black Maria
Goodbye to the Brixton sun

You can crush us
You can bruise us
Yes, even shoot us
But oh-the guns of Brixton

When they kick at your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun

You can crush us
You can bruise us
Yes, even shoot us
But oh-the guns of Brixton

Shot down on the pavement
Waiting in death row
His game is called survivin'
As in heaven as in hell

You can crush us
You can bruise us
But you'll have to answer to
Oh, the guns of Brixton

Dragula...rob zombie

dead I am the one
exterminating sun
slipping through the trees
strangling the breeze
dead I am the sky
watching angels cry
as they slowly turn
conquering the worm

dead I am the pool
spreading from the fool
weak and want you need
nowhere as you bleed
dead I am the rat
feast upon cat
tender is the fur
dying as you purr

dig through the ditches
burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
dragula
dig through the ditches
burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
dragula

do it baby, do it baby
burn like an animal
do it baby, do it baby
burn like an animal

dead I am the life
dig into the skin
knuckle crack the bone
21 to win
dead I am the dog
hound of hell you cry
devil on your back
I can never die

dig through the ditches
burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
dragula
dig through the ditches
burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
dragula

do it baby, do it baby
burn like an animal
do it baby, do it baby
burn like an animal

dig through the ditches
burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
dragula
dig through the ditches
burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
dragula

dig through the ditches
burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
dragula
dig through the ditches
burn through the witches
I slam in the back of my
dragula

Welcome to the Pleasuredome...frankie goes to hollywood

The world is my oyster........
Ha ha ha ha ha........
The animals are winding me up
The jungle call
The jungle call

Who-ha who-ha who-ha who-ha

In Xanadu did Kublai Khan
A pleasuredome erect

Moving on keep moving on-yeah
Moving at one million miles an hour
Using my power
I sent it by the hour
I have it so I'm mocking it

You really can afford it-yeah
Really can afford it

Shooting stars never stop
Even when they reach the top
Shooting stars never stop
Even when they reach the top

There goes a supernova
What a pushover-yeah
There goes a supernova
What a pushover

We're a long way from home
Welcome to the Pleasuredome
On our way home
Going home where lovers roam
Long way from home
Welcome to the Pleasuredome

Moving on
Keep moving on
I will give you diamonds by the shower
Love your body even when it's old
Do it just as only I can do it
And never ever doing what I'm told

We're a long way from home
Welcome to the Pleasuredome
On our way home
Going home where lovers roam
Long way from home
Welcome to the Pleasuredome
Moving on
Keep moving on
I will give you diamonds by the shower
Love your body even when it's old
Do it just as only I can do it
And never ever doing what I'm told
We're a long way from home
Welcome to the Pleasuredome
On our way home
Going home where lovers roam
Long way from home
Welcome to the Pleasuredome
Moving on
Keep moving on
I will give you diamonds by the shower
Love your body even when it's old
Do it just as only I can do it
And never ever doing what I'm told
Keep moving on
Got to reach the top
Don't stop

Pay love and life-oh my
Keep moving on
On again-yeah

Shooting stars never stop
Shooting stars never stop
Shooting stars never stop
Even when they reach the top

There goes a supernova
What a pushover
Shooting stars never stop
Even when they reach the top
There goes a supernova
What a pushover
Shooting stars never stop
Even when they reach the top
There goes a supernova
What a pushover
Who-ha who-ha

Welcome to the Pleasuredome
WELCOME........ha ha ha ha ha........
Long way from home
WELCOME TO THE PLEASUREDOME

We Will Rock You

Buddy you're a boy
Make a big noise playin' in the street
Gonna be a big man some day
You got blood on your face, big disgrace
Kicking your can all over the place
(Singing)

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

(C'mon)
Keep the beat up, why, I'm gonna turn your heat up
Gonna get you on the floor, gonna burn your feet up
Rockin' you, like I've never rocked you before
Like the way I do, got your screaming for more
We're causin' utter devastation
When we're stepping to the place
And better believe that you can see
We're gonna rock and never stop
And here we go again
Hit you with the flow again
Kick it up the second time around
We’ll bring it on again - shout it out

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,

Buddy you're an old man, poor man pleading with your eyes
Gonna make you something some day
You got mud on your face, big disgrace
Somebody better put you back in your place
(Singing)

We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you
We will, we will rock you

Which "Natural Wonder" are you?

What LoTR Character Are You?

i am so tired...i woke up this morning at 6.00 because the bloody phone was ringing. it was a wrong number. arrrgh.
'Hello, Mary? I'm sorry about waking you up this early.'
'Er...I'm not Mary...'
'Oh? Terribly sorry. Good morning and goodbye!"

Ack.

what i meant was- oh, @*!%.

still bored. another link: here. my sister has a friend staying over. damn. go to

the first cool day of summer and i'm wearing a shirt with no sleeves. huh.
my aunt is going to have her second baby in a few months. she has a girl, honor, who just turned a year old on july 19th. she and my uncle are pretty sure it's going to be a boy.
i am so bored.

stars
life is...a lie.

Floor 42: a hitchiker's guide to the galaxy bbs


Holly: It is better to have loved and to have lost.........than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton John.


Cat: Man, we are deader than A-line Flares with pockets in the knees.


Lister: It's never beer is it, it's always wiiiine, oh what do you want on your cornflakes darlin', I'll have some wiiiine please.






which pop culture icon are you? | made by kt @ gFs.co.uk.

Congratulations you mischievous one! You were a bank robber in your previous life!
What were you in your previous life?

This quiz was made by: Jennifer


mwahaha...look below...far, far below...for more time-wasters...er, i mean quizzes...

The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.
Lying is a skill like any other and if you want to maintain a level of excellence you have to practise constantly.
Elim Garak

'I'm going to be an uncle!!!'
Rimmer


Rimmer: Who would do something like that?
Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.


Holly: It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer coulda made.

Cat: You can't have my shiny thing. I found it, it's my shiny thing.
Rimmer: What are you drivveling about?
Cat (producing yoyo): THIS is my shiny thing. And if you try and take it off
me I may have to eat you.


Machine attendant: Blimey! No wonder you only scored 4%. Cor, what a bunch of twonks. It's a love story across time, space, death, and reality. It's a blatant clue, innit, blatant! Bloomin' heck, if you didn't get that you musta been playin' like puddins!


Toaster: Howdy doodly doo!


Lister: What time is it?
Rimmer: Saturday.
Lister: Is that the best you can do?
Rimmer: There are some numbers next to it, but they could be anything.


Rimmer: White hole spewing time engines dead air supply low advice please.
Holly: Excuse me?
Rimmer: White hole spewing time engines dead....
Holly: I can't understand a word you're saying.
Rimmer: White....
Holly: Yes.
Rimmer: Hole.....
Holly: Right.
Rimmer: Spewing.....
Holly: Yes.
Rimmer: Time.....
Holly: With you.
Rimmer: Engines dead.....
Holly: Oh.
Rimmer: Air supply low.....
HollyHolly: Ah.
Rimmer: Advice please.
Holly: Right!


Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer.
Rimmer: Already have done.
Lister: Encore!


Holly: I'm the nearest thing you can get to infullible.
Lister: Infallible.
Holly: Exactly


Holly: I am on the case! I'm kicking bottom.


Rimmer: Life's a bitch, now smeg off, I'm busy.


Lister: Can't you tell the story is not gripping me? I am in a state of
non-gripness. I am completely smegging ungripp-ed!


Lister: Oh smeg. What the smeggin' smeg's he smeggin' done?


Cat: What? Am I the only sane one here? Why don't we drop the defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: We don't have any defensive shields, and Two: We don't have any defensive shields. Now, I realise that, technically speaking, that's only one flaw, but I thought that it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice.


Kryten: Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd!


Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!
Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!


Lister: Why do we never meet anyone nice?
Cat: Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?


Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean?
Kryten: Well, either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco.


Kryten: I'm sorry Sir...
Rimmer:Sorry? Why are you sorry?
Kryten: Well the Space Corps. Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation; a hologramatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive.
Rimmer: Yes but the Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly 'No Chance You Metal Bastard'.


Rimmer: I had a mechanoid friend once who suffered from the same affliction. His name wes Gilbert; but he prefered it if people called him 'Rameses Niblick the Third Ker-Plunk Ker-Plunk Whoops Where's My Thribble.'


Lister: I'm going out like I came in -- screaming and kicking.
Rimmer: You can't whack death on the head!
Lister: If he comes near me I'm gonna rip his nipples off!


Binks: Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat. (eats cigarette, removes his jacket)
Binks: Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed. Enlightment, quickly, please.


Lister: Twenty-four thousand!? And you had the front to borrow money off me to buy me a birthday present?
Rimmer: It was only fifteen quid.
Lister: Right. Fifteen quid. And what did I get? A five-quid book token.
Rimmer: Those card's aren't free, you know. I had to fork out for that as well.
Lister: And you never paid me back. You're tighter than an Italian waiter's keks.


Rimmer: Kryten, would you get the hacksaw and follow me?
Kryten: Where are we going?
Rimmer: We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.


Rimmer: Anyway, to cut a long story short I threw a five and a four which beat his three and a two, another double six followed by a double four and a double five. After he'd thrown a three and a two I threw a six and a three.
Cat: Man, this guy could bore for his country!


Cat: Who were those guys?
Lister: Well the short one with the stupid 'tache was Hitler, and the jerky one with the child molester glasses that was Goebbels; suppose the fat bastard must've been Goering. Must've been. He was a cocaine addict and a transvestite {some thing}. If things'd worked out different he had the makings of a major movie star.


Lift: Thank you for travelling Xpress Lifts. We apologise for the delay.
Cat: You should apologise for the chicken! First meal I ever had where the container tasted better than the food!


Rimmer: (About sharing a room with Lister) I'm sharing a bunk with a character out of a Barbara Cartland novel.


Rimmer: Everything always goes wrong for me. I'm probably the only person in the world to buy a Topic Bar without a single hazelnut in it.


Rimmer: Well, we have a bit of a problem here, don't we? 'Cos I don't take orders from poultry.


Cat: (popping up behind FUTURE LISTER and KOCHANSKI) What is this, a meeting of the ugly convention?


Rimmer: Lister, we don't have to take this anymore. We don't have to put up with your snidey remarks, your total slobbiness, your socks that set off the sprinkler system.

Lister: What are you doing?
Rimmer: It's called "work," Lister. I didn't think you'd recognise it. W-O-R-K. It is in the dictionary.

Rimmer: (to Lister) Tee hee, hoddle, ha. Why don't you just get back into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for a full day's slob.


Rimmer2: (Shouting through the wall) CAN YOU SHUT UP, RIMMER?! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!
Rimmer: (To LISTER) Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious.
Rimmer2: (Shouting through the wall) SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!
Rimmer: (Getting up) Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? (He walks calmly to the door). STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YA FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!!!


Rimmer: Lovely service, Lister! You should have come -- most uplifting! (Seeing LISTER is very depressed) What's wrong with you? Ah, it's November! Nearly time for your bath!


Lister: ...I'm sick of you and your silly green suits, I'm sick of your stupid flared nostrils. I'm sick of the way you always smile when you're being insulted.


Rimmer: I'm going in. I'm going in to rescue him.
Holly: Rescue him?
Rimmer: It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard!


Lister: Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why did you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties.


Holly: And who should I have brought back, then?
Lister: Anyone. Chen. Petersen. I mean, Hermann Goering would have been more of a laugh than Rimmer. I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed transvestite, but at least we could have gone dancing!


Lister: What about Kristine Kochanski? You could have brought Kristine back.
Holly: In your entire life, your shared conversations with her totalled 173 words.
Lister: So?
Holly: In terms of wordage, you actually had a better relationship with your rubber plant.


Rimmer: Good evening, you stupid, stinking, festering, gimboid of a cat.


Lister: You'll have to salute me, Rimmer! You'll have to call me "sir!" You'll have to give me Kochanski! And me cigarettes!
Rimmer: And on that day, Lister, Satan will be skating to work.


Rimmer: And whose ears are these, Holly? They're like two giant radar dishes stuck higgledy-piggledy to the side of my head. I mean, just look at them! Look at them! Whose were these ears, Holly? An African elephant's?
Holly: They're [i]your[/i] ears, Arnold.


Rimmer: And Lister, what's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names. I want places. I want dates.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer. His locker. This morning.


Rimmer: What is it?
Holly: I don't know.
Rimmer: Well, you'd better find out, hadn't you? It's obviously beyond me. I've got more teeth than brain cells, remember? (Leaves in a huff.)
Holly: (After he's gone) Yes, you have.


Cat: Ah, I gotta go now, man. But let's do lunch sometime. I'll put it in my diary: 12:30, lunch with God. And, ah, formal dress, you know what I'm saying?


Rimmer: (VO) After intensive investigation, comma, of the markings on the alien pod, comma, it has become clear, comma, to me, comma, that we are dealing, comma, with a species of awesome intellect, colon.
Holly: Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation.
Rimmer: Shut up.


Lister: Why does it have to be such a big deal? Why can't it be like, like, human beings are a planetary disease? Like the Earth's got German measles or facial herpes, right? And that's why all of the other planets give us such a wide berth. It's like, "Oh, don't go near Earth! It's got human beings on it, they're contagious!"
Rimmer: So you're saying, Lister, you're an intergalactic, pus-filled cold sore! At last, Lister, we agree on something.


Cat: Three weeks we been doin' this.
Lister: Well, we'll do it 'til we find them.
Cat: (Somberly) We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side... (Elatedly) They're GONE, buddy!


Cat: What's it say?
Lister: I dunno, it's in some weird foreign language or somethin'. "Srehtorb" -- that must be Polish or Bulgarian or somethin'.
Cat: You speak Bulgarian?
Lister: Bulgarian? Please, I hardly speak English.


Holly: How simple do you want this
Rimmer: Ah, so Lister can understand it.
Holly: (Takena back) Oh dear.
Rimmer: It's difficult, I know.


Lister: (To Rimmer) To think that in every dimension, every possibility is played out -- hell, there's probably a really, really weird dimension where you're better-looking than me.


Cat: Hey! what are you doin' dressed like that? Why do you want to look like Goalpost Head? Have you flipped? You want to model yourself on a man who has ears so large that they can pick up satellite TV? Why do you want to look like the smeg-head Rimmer for?!
Rimmer: Because... (poking Cat in the eye) ...I am that smeg head Rimmer.


Cat: Me? What's wrong with me?
Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble, you only look after number one, you're vain, you're selfish, you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
Cat: You've just listed all my best features.


Rimmer: I could never invent a sandwich like this, Lister. You see all the ingredients are wrong. The fried eggs: wrong; the chutney: wrong. The chilli sauce: all wrong. But put them together and somehow it works. It becomes right. It's you -- this sandwich, Lister, is you.
Lister: What are you saying to me, Rimmer?
Rimmer: You're wrong, right? All your ingredients are wrong. You're slobby, you've got no sense of discipline, you're the only man ever to get his money back from the Odour Eater people, but people like you, don't you see? That's why you're a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich. Now me ... now me ... All the ingredients are right. I'm disciplined, I'm organised, I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one. Why? Why is that?
Lister: I suppose it's because you ARE a total smeghead.



Cat: Come on, man, you gotta sacrifice your life! I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do!
Rimmer: YOU? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
Cat: No, I'd sacrifice YOUR life for the good of the crew.


Lister: Well, it's back to basics. We've got no heat, no light, no power; we can't get any food out of the dispensing machines; we're gonna have to scavenge for what we can find in the cargo decks. Without computers and technology, we're reduced to the level of primitives. All we've got is us guys, us and our own resourcefulness.
Cat: My God, it's worse than I thought!


Rimmer: (Sounding like a speed addict who's inhaled helium) I'm not speaking quickly. I'm speaking perfectly normally. It's you. You're speaking too slowly. It's like having a conversation with Paul Robeson on dope.


Rimmer: Well, I say we put it to the vote. On one hand, we have a computer, with an IQ in excess of twelve thousand, who has a total grasp of astrophysics. And on the other hand, we have Lister, who, and let's be fair to him, is a complete gimp. To whom do we entrust our lives, the safety of this vessel and the future of everything? If it's a tie, we go with Holly. What's your vote, Lister?
Lister: Well, I vote for Dave "Cinzano Bianco" Lister.
Rimmer: One-nil to Listypoos. I vote for Holly. Cat?
Cat: Well, I agree with you, buddy. But I'm voting for Doodoo Breath. The thing is, even though you're right, I could not bring myself to vote for someone with your dress sense. I couldn't put my cross next to the Bri-nylon party.


Kryten: We will cease to be HERE, because none of this will have occurred. But we will exist back on Red Dwarf, before all this began. With, of course, no memory of these events, which, of course, never happened. And as these events never happened, we will have no memory of them. In which case, Mister Rimmer, Sir, I should like to take this opportunity of saying that you are the most obnoxious, trumped-up, farty little smeghead it has ever been my misfortune to encounter!


Lister: C'mon, what are you, a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!


Lister: (Reading the address) "To the lease holder of Kryten 2X4B 523P." That's your full name?
Kryten: Yes, but personally I don't much like the 2X4B. I think it's a jerky middle name. Still, it could be worse. I once knew an android whose middle name was 2Q 4B. Poor sucker!


Rimmer: Maybe I should talk to him. Maybe he needs a bit of counselling.
Lister: You?!
Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Rimmer: Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.


Lister: (to Rimmer) It's true, you know, though, Rimmer. You rank below all four of those service robots. Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.


Rimmer: (to Lister) Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich.


Captain Hollister: OK. Just one thing before the disco, Holly tells me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard.
Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer!


Rimmer: The bright side? What bright side? I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana. Where's the bright side?


Lister: Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that, but you're still a smeghead.


Kryten: Good news. The Justice Computer has sanctioned a re-trial. I think we have a very strong case.
Rimmer: You do?
Kryten: It's a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir. What the mind-probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident. In a way, you tried and convicted yourself. I simply have to establish you're a neurotic, underachieving emotional retard whose ambition far outstrips his minuscule abilities and who consequently blames himself for an accident for which he could not possibly have been responsible.
Rimmer: You're going to try to prove that I was innocent of negligence on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?
Cat: Man, there ain't a jury in the land that won't buy a plea like that.
Kryten: Not a half-wit, exactly -- more a buffoon.
Rimmer: (Thinks about it. He's quite impressed.) Right, I see. But how would you even begin to build such a case? Where would you conjure up the evidence?
Kryten: Sir, providing I can have completely free access to your personal data files, I think I can come up with the outline of a winning case by lunchtime.


Kryten: The mind-probe was created to detect guilt, yet in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer the guilt it detected attaches to no crime. He held a position of little or no authority on Red Dwarf. He was a lowly grease-monkey, a nothing, a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under- achievement. His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He's like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation. So, when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident, Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame: it was his ship, ergo his fault. I ask the court: look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen occasions. This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man...
Rimmer: (Discreetly) Kryten. You're going over the top. The computer will never buy it.
Kryten: Trust me, sir. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork.


Kryten: (Turns) I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man (Points at Rimmer) ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice: Objection overruled.
Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An overzealous, trumped up little squirt...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice: Overruled.
Kryten: An incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot...
Rimmer: Objection.
Justice: If you object to your own counsel once more, Mr Rimmer, you'll be in contempt.
Kryten: Who would put this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a used tea bag, in a position of authority where he could wipe out an entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment. Defence rests.